How Do You Talk to Yourself?

Do you ever pay attention to the way you talk to yourself? Or does it seem to happen almost subconsciously?

Jon Acuff, one of my favorite authors, shared this quote a few weeks ago, and it really made me think…

How do I talk to myself during the day? Am I kind? Am I considerate? Do I build myself up or tear myself down? Do I talk to myself like I’d talk to someone who is important to me? To my kids, or my spouse, or my best friend? Or am I a jerk to myself?

How do you talk to yourself?

We are often our worst critic, and we’d never talk to others like we sometimes talk to ourselves. Never. We might not even realize we’re doing this, maybe because we’ve gotten so used to doing it. I think most of us try and build others up with our words, and we’d never knowingly say anything hurtful to anyone. But…the same isn’t often true with how we talk to ourselves.

So, why do we often act like jerks to ourselves? Why do we often talk to ourselves negatively way more than positively? Why do we sometimes tear ourselves down through our self-talk? Great questions…

Think about it: We’ve lived with ourselves 24/7/365 since the day we were born. That’s a lot of time spent with someone, and because of this, we are keenly aware of all our failures and successes, experiences (both negative and positive),  criticisms and compliments we’ve received from others (whether intended or assumed), and so on. And since it’s so much easier to dwell on the negative, we can get stuck in a negative thought cycle and forget any positives. One school of thought is that we remember the negative more than the positive because we can learn from the negative and use that knowledge in the future—maybe to lead to more positive experiences. And while that may be true, negative self-talk can still be harmful.

Here’s the deal: I am not my negative self-talk. You are not your negative self-talk. It’s just talk. But…and this is a huge BUT…if we’re not careful, we can let the negative self-talk take over, and it can actually affect our mindset, our overall mental health, our self-worth, our relationships, and our ability to achieve our goals. After all…

“Our internal reality dictates our external responses to life.” ~Win Today podcast with Christopher Cook and Nona Jones (10/19/22)

In other words, our negative self-talk—our negative thoughts—can lead to action (whether that’s positive or negative action), which leads to who we ultimately become. If our reality is filled with negative self-talk, it’s more likely it will be harder to do the things we want to do, including achieving our goals. What can we do about this negative self-talk?

6 Tips for Turning Negative Self-Talk Into Positive Self-Talk

We’re going to talk to ourselves. Trying to stop that self-talk is pretty much impossible. However, we do have the choice as to how we deal with any negative self-talk. So, how can we turn that negative self-talk into a positive? Here are some ideas I hope can help:

Tip #1. Be aware of how you’re talking to yourself. If you’re not sure if you’re being negative or positive, ask yourself if you’d talk like that to your best friend. If so, what you’re telling yourself is positive. If not, you’re stuck in negative self-talk.

Tip #2. Notice when your negative self-talk is the strongest. What’s happening? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Discouraged? Tired? Stressed? Comparing yourself to someone else? Feeling Impostor Syndrome (that’s a topic for whole other post!)? Once you can understand the pattern of your negative self-talk and when it’s most likely to occur, it’s easier to be more proactive about avoiding it in the first place.

Tip #3. Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s not quite that easy. When you catch yourself saying unkind things to yourself, switch them to something positive—the smallest positive thought can work. This might feel a bit weird at first, but it can totally shift how you feel about yourself. A positive perspective is only one little piece of positive self-talk away.

Tip #4. Write 3-5 positive things about yourself each day and keep this list handy for when any negative self-talk begins. It’s totally okay to brag about yourself because you’re the only one who will see this list. And nothing is too small to count. It’s totally okay to share things you’re proud of with others, too, and it encourages them to do the same. This list can help with tip #3 too.

Tip #5. Watch what you’re consuming media-wise. If you’re feeding your mind and heart with content that makes you feel less than, or lacking, or not enough, unfollow or mute those accounts. It’s surprising how much the media we consume can affect us in both negative and positive ways.

Tip #6. When someone compliments you, write it down and refer to it often, especially when those negative words come into your head. Try and see yourself like others see you.

If you find yourself stuck in negative self-thought patterns regularly, I highly recommend you read Jon Acuff’s book, Soundtracks. I’ve read it twice, and it’s on my list of books to re-read every year. Jon and his teenage daughters just came out with a version for pre-teens and teens,Your New Playlist, and I’ve heard it’s amazing too! I think it would be a great book for parents of kids of any age because if we can help our kids learn to manage negative thinking early, think of what a huge blessing that can be for them for decades to come!

So…how do you talk to yourself? Are you your biggest fan or harshest critic? As I’ve been writing this post, I’ve also been trying to pay closer attention to my self-talk, and I’ve got some work to do. And that’s totally okay because while I’m striving to become more of a positive self-talker, I’m also learning so much about myself. And that’s a good thing!